I told myself I was in too good a mood to do this post right now, but I'm easily reminded of this fact. I'm a social fucking ninja. I am the only person in the entire world who can have negative anything human.
Nothing I do, good or bad, ever seems to amount to anything. I create things, just like everybody else...i put them out there...and nothing comes back. It's like thousands of people send thousands of bottles out to sea, and all but mine return. When I do get a bottle back, it's incredibly encouraging. The words on the sheet of paper inside are positive. All is good...but those bottles don't come back.
I sometimes worry about hate. I worry about people slamming what I do wherever I do it. But those fears are unfounded. I don't really get anything. Okay, that's not true. I get things occasionally, and I have gotten hate. It was awful.
Case and point though, I used to have this friend who did really stupid but hilarious videos. He hated them, he hated the stuff he was putting out, and eventually it all stopped coming and he tried to erase himself from the face of the Earth. He seemed pretty suicidal for a while there (and those people aren't the ones you need to watch out for) but alas...today it seems he's doing better than ever. He's doing better than I am. His videos are being re-uploaded (I can't help enjoying them immensely until...) and are getting views at a better rate than any of mine are. He's got a woman too, something he always thought he'd never ever have. He has a circle of friends (no comment on personality, but friends none the less) that have remained loyal to him. It sounds like I'm ragging on him, and I am, and I don't care because it's unlikely he will ever read this. And if he or any of his friends does, it's fine, because they've ragged on me before. Have I mentioned we used to be friends?
I haven't had a Nakama since...okay, well if the band counts, since 2009, but if not then it's probably been since elementary school. There's only one friend that I talk to intermittently that I've had since way back when. People always just come and go like I'm a city street. Like I'm a stranger. To anyone else, they'd keep their promises and see their oathes swore, but for whatever reason, it's not the case with me. For whatever reason, i can't be part of a group for more than a week. I'm not but a bit character that shows up in a random episode only to find that the audience actually doesn't like me all that much.
I'm not the only social ninja out there either. I know that. People get left in the dark every day and no one can help them out. It's one of the saddest things on Earth. I remember a generic pass along status someone posted one time about people misjudging other people. It included a teenage mother who'd been raped, an obese man with a disorder, and an ugly man who'd been disfigured in the war. Yeah, it's tragic, but you've noticed these people. Social Ninjas? No, they don't get noticed. There's no status saying that you should randomly chat someone you haven't in a while...and if that were the exact wording, it's STILL unlikely that a Social Ninja would be the one a person chooses to chat. Because we're ninjas. We can't be seen...but unlike real ninjas, this is our curse.
Every time I do the same thing as another person, whatever they do gets more attention. That's when I swear the only time I'll ever be recognized...like the few people that react to me say I deserve, will be when I'm dead. It sounds like I'm a little bitch...crying because I'm not getting attention. What is it then, that I can do? I put things out there. I make videos, I twitter, I write blogs, I post copious amoutns of status and express interest in the goings-on of other people. In this day and age, I can barely be considered isolated. I'm visible, but I'm invisible. Or maybe everyone is just blind. That's a bit more bleak, however.
Still, it annoys the living piss out of me...it's been happening for at least four...five years now. On this day, November 2, I am reminded of my band because we once had a show on November 2. It's cringeworthy to think of all the work I put into that band and how little people appreciated that work. Is it really because they were all stuck in their stupid little minds? Or was it because there was something figurative on my face? Well, on behalf of all the bands that never made it, I know I'm not alone there.
That doesn't stop me from believing this is all fate. Like when I was born everyone was told to ignore the piss out of me at all costs. A few people broke that creed, and good on them...but most of them are gone and at least one is dead...aka truly invisible. Or maybe it's the case that most everyone has it in one obscure part of their chromosomes a gene that tells them to not bother with a person of my exact description. As is the case with all viruses, some people are just plain immune...but they're few and far between.
I turn to these Fantasyland explanations because I have no logical ones. (Okay, I do, but those are both lengthy and personal). It just bothers me that I have so much to say and show, but no one to say and show it to. I'm as good as any other bard or entertainer out there, I'm certain of it, but in the dark I'm no good. Conditioned that nothing comes of my work. It's true, even if the whole world...that is all the billions of people, read this and watched my videos and loved my music, it wouldn't be enough for me...I have nothing to lose by being proven wrong (this is a variation of a good quote of mine "I have nothing to lose by proving them right!").
I'm sorry for this rantiest of rants. Trust me, i hate sounding like a bitter, emo bitch, but that's how I am sometimes. I know this blog is actually pretty safe from prying eyes...as depressing as it is. I must leave you with something that serves as both a warning and a sequel hook: Woman Rock (a.ka. Pink Shit Blues) is coming. It may not be tomorrow, but it will come because much like my status as a Social Ninja...the Woman Rock never goes away.
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