Can I seriously believe this, that here it is tomorrow already and I've got the same person in my head as I did when I woke up? I don't believe it. Sure don't. Yet at the same time, I totally asked for it. Wasn't it God who said "ask and ye shall recieve?" It probably wasn't.
If I were a devoutly religious person, I'd be pretty angry at God, since he's clearly trolling the living shit out of me. He's been doing it since apparently before I was even born. It's kinda funny. All the things he does are gonna render me completely helpless.
What a big fat hypocrite I am. The one thing I thought I couldn't believe in is now something I believe from dawn till dusk and back again. That sun might be the only thing we have in common. Space travel is so hard that not even uncommon men can do it. Where the fuck is our moon base anyway? Probably the same place as my heart.
I always talk about that, y'know, with the whole Station of Contact bit, with my heart moving around and stuff. It's totally left now, and in my head I know where it went. I couldn't spot it now even if I had perfect vision. I just wonder what would happen to me if it stayed where it was without me coming to look for it. Of course, that implies me going to look for it.
I've been getting all these stupid words and ideas in my head, not the least egregious of which is "aunt." What kind of bullshit is that anyway? "Aunt." "Wife." "Nia." "Chosen One." What's all that about? I thought I convinced myself that shit was all mythery. And...yeah, I'm glad my imagination isn't powerful enough to run these things and more in a slideshow. That'd take some hella Photoshopping skills.
It's funny that ultimately I love having a little, lonely hole to crawl back into like this. I have a place where I can express myself now, but this isn't for there. I've already made myself a flashing red lightbulb there. I'm wearing bright red right now and it looks horrible on me since red is the color of lust and no one out there lusts for me. Today I learned I haven't been attractive since at least 2008. Nah, that's not true and I know it. I been told so. Two words in conjunction...don't make me blush, damn.
I wanna reason through every little thing in my head right here and now, but I know those who watch are those whose eyes I'd like to catch least. I have no idea if that's cryptic enough, but I really do need to open a nice word file and just go at it. I need to get back into those. I miss the Midnight Poems about all the debaucheries in the world and heavens created by the excess love I spilled all over the world when a metaphorical artery was severed cold turkey. I don't miss the assassin at all, and honestly I wish they hadn't followed me and made themself available for popping up in subtle ways that make me want to punch a wall.
I miss Echo and the grand idea she's part of. I miss all the worlds she likes to influence. I miss Paroon too, even though I realized just how much of an Alice in Wonderland ripoff it is. I had no idea I missed Mia Wasikowska that much either. I miss MageBoy and Auren like a motherfucker, I really do. I don't miss too many of the people that I might have thought about on a night like this long ago. I lament they fact that they haven't been replaced.
What do we do about the things I can't miss just because I haven't seen them yet? What do we call that? It's the same feeling, isn't it? Maybe it's reversed. I do wish I could tell you just how fucking stupid I'm being right now, because lemme tell ya, it's pretty fucking stupid. It's like something high schoolers are supposed to do. The difference between me and them is that I know better than to say it. The last time I said something about how stupid I was being at the time, I got blasted for it.
I wish I could think of something to make all this interesting too. I want to make an interesting story that people will click on when they see my name next to it just because they can't wait to see what it's about or what happens. I need to step it all up and make it all like this, because this shit is interesting. you can think about this vagueness for days. Why the hell am I being vague anyway, if I'm just gonna end up showing this anyway due to the fact that I think I'm being vague enough? It's not like we're even talking about the same thing that we were when this started. Alas, a mind is more complex.
Let me just say that I love this kind of blog. They come around every so often. I just start typing and speak a whole bunch of my mind, whether it's all related or not. It all seems to be. This is me. I'm not trying to be professional or funny or popular or any of that stuff. This is where I turn on the Pixies and just be me all over the text box. That's why these entries end up so quotable and stuff, because this is the rawest anything I write can get. Think of a steak that's bloody as hell, then imagine it cooked even less. That's kinda like this. It somehow might be disgusting, but goddammit, it's at least pretty damn interesting.
In the end the whole thing is related because it's all me and I'm talking about it the same way all the way through. That sounds pretty lame though, the whole "this IS me" bit. I mean, THAT's me if anything. This is me is me. You get it? If you do, it means you're keeping up and actually know who the fuck I am. But we're not getting into that again.
Anyway, my mind has moved on from where we started, and that might have been the whole point of all of this. I've spoken my bit here. Tomorrow I get to look forward to homework and more or less none of the things I missed, wished for, or otherwise refused to divulge. Trust me, if I got that last one tomrrow I'd...well it's not worth trying to come up with some fake reaction for something that's definitely not going to happen. But Eric, didn't you agree with Alice when she said she believed in six impossible things before breakfast? I did, all the way, and I admit that what that thing is is indeed possible. The problem is that the chances of it happening out of all the other possibilities in the universe is more than likely very low. I'm sure I could figure it out if I wanted...but I really loathe math.
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