In one week, I'm going to be one sad mother fucker. It's going to be the day before college starts up again, and no matter what time or what break it is, I always get this awful feeling beforehand. It's odd because out of all the people that go to college, I got far less worries than most of them, yet I worry a whole lot more. I'm always thinking about college and all that I should be doing for it. Even on break not a day goes by when I think about what's going to happen when I get back in school. I've evolved past thinking about how much time I'm going to spend studying or working on papers and homework. No, now I think about how much I'm going to worry about all those things.
Not even that holds water, however, since I finish things efficiently in shorter order than most people, and I don't tend to do it at the literal last minute. What's more is that I generally do very well on assignments too. Last semester was my most kickass semester ever, with me getting hundreds on more tests than ever. Who's to say that trend won't continue? In all probability, it won't change that much since previous semesters were by no means "bad" whatsoever. In college, I've never gotten any less than a B.
On top of that, I generally only go to college for very short periods of time during the day. Granted, this is my first semester where I'm going five days a week and all of them are in the morning. That is legitimately a drag, and getting up early every single day to go to class that won't last all that long will actually be pretty annoying, especially for a commuter like me. Other than that, however, not all that much is changing, and chances are the workload will at least be similar in nature to last semester and the ones prior.
Yet, despite all this, I still feel like a whiny bitch about going back to school. I still have some fear that it's going to completely take me over and prevent me from actually doing anything I like to do. Most of those things I don't end up actually doing anyway, whether I'm in school or not, so once again it doesn't even seem to matter. No matter what I do, I always feel like I want to be Marvin when it comes time to get ready to go back to school. There always seems to be so much to do and that one miss will have me slipping all over myself forever.
Yes, THAT Marvin.
When it comes down to it, I guess I have all the same problems as everybody else. I stress myself out more than I need to, especially when I don't need to. If I just stopped doing that, everything could fall into place properly, namely my creative endeavors. The thought always crosses my mind to just quit school entirely, but I know that then a different set of worries will replace the ones I had about school. Were my creative endeavors more profitable, there'd be no contest.
Yet, here I am. I've actually done a little more than I think I do sometimes, with this blog and my Youtube. Both of those things are things that people can and do get paid for. You can get paid for making videos and paid for writing blogs, which is part of the reason I got into both, and neither of them have happened for me. I'm doing the same thing others are doing, but I'm not getting the benefits. Funny little world. Alas, that's how it rolls.
I wish I could quit though. An alternative to finiancial security as a way out of college is pure balls. If I were ballsy, i could just get out and plow through any lifestyle I could, gaining experience along the way. That's something I'd love to do. Get out there and have a bunch of MagFest-like adventures that actually have a deeper meaning for me. I'd love to be a walk-the-Earth type of person and gain inspiration from that, but worrywart ol me couldn't handle it, not by a long shot. I'd love to be able just to take a time out and be able to really clear my mind, but it wouldn't happen. I couldn't get it clear if I took a cup of bleach to it. Worrying about stuff must be some sort of weird survival tactic my particular species of human has. Either way, it sure beats the hell out of me, and the coming of school is something I'm still not looking forward to thanks to it. I got the Sunday Blues a week early.
Oh and what did all this have to do with Pulp Fiction? Well, partially, it was meant to be kind of like Jules' final speech, reflecting on recent events and making an enlightened decision based on them. I don't think I got there here. In context though, I can't blame myself, since some truly wacky things happened as I tried to write this post...I'm talking like...full on BSODing for a few minutes here. Maybe the revelation will come later. Or maybe I'll just edit it in when it's not 2 in the morning after some totally crazy things.
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